Decisions

On a summer morning, sitting on the terrace of a small café in the heart of Budapest, I watch people hurrying to work, trams whizzing by as they head towards their destinations. I take my steaming latte in my hand and wonder how we make our decisions.

What is it that really determines the direction we take, and why do some people decide easily, while others hesitate over every little detail?

• Think about it, our choices are like the clothes in our closets. There’s that little black dress you always pull out when you don’t know what to wear. It’s the Jolly Joker. You know it looks good, it goes with about every shoe you own and you even have a bag to go with it. It covers you right where you need it. In short, perfect. A quick decision, a safe choice, a road travelled, been on you a thousand times, no one will be shocked when you show up in it.
• Then there’s that sequined, bold piece you bought once but never wore. The last time you wore it was in your dressing room. Okay, maybe you wear it for a few minutes when you’re rummaging through your wardrobe – just so you know it still fits and looks great. It’s just the typical “no occasion”. You’ve fallen in love with it, you’ve paid money for it, but you’re still insecure about it. You’ve made a quick decision, you’ve got it on you, but no one’s ever seen it on you but yourself. So, in fact, you haven’t decided to give it away, you just like it so much that you don’t want to give it away…

Like our clothes, the big decisions in our lives are made in many different ways. Take the choice of a partner, for example. When we’re teenagers, first love is often a moment: a smile, a look and we think we’ve found the one. (if he even invites you for ice cream, from then on you’re a cavalier… perfect). We decide quickly and instinctively, almost without thinking. As adults, however, we are more cautious. We weigh up every encounter, every conversation, knowing that a wrong decision can have long-term consequences. Of course, our time is also more precious, we may have been burnt a few times, we recognise patterns and often get smart in the zero minute (he responds to this, he’s a type C competitor, no need to go with him…). Then we may not be, but we think the older we are, the smarter we are.

Would it all depend on experience? Or does the more we experience, the more we push ourselves when it comes to making decisions? The more we are less intuitive?

The same is true for business. When planning a marketing campaign, every step is carefully considered. Business decisions are like a chess game: every move has its consequences. Some people decide on the fly, instinctively feeling what will be the winning move. Others think long and hard, examining every detail before committing to a direction. They carry out a third round of market research, competitor analysis, while the competition is testing its fourth PPC campaign and has settled on a winning formula.

But what about big decisions like buying a house? When we’re young, we might make decisions more quickly because we haven’t yet experienced the weight of big decisions. We often choose our first home based on how close it is to the city centre, or whether there’s enough room for friends (thank God the walls are a nice colour and the furniture is good because the seller had the good sense to go to IKEA). As adults, however, we take a lot more into account: proximity to school, accessibility to work, potential for property appreciation… These are all factors that we consider carefully before making the final decision.

It’s worth pointing out here that buying a home, for example, is not nearly as serious as we make it out to be. I’m like, “We’ll move on to our next place, we’ll stay as long as we like”. Property is an asset, a condition. Of course we don’t look at people that way. But at least there are some things that are not permanent, so we don’t have to get a stomach cramp about it if we’re not sure.

Every day of our lives, we face decisions big and small. People are different. Some people make quick decisions based on their hearts, and others take a long hard look and put their pro-contra on paper like a complicated mathematical equation. But why is it that as teenagers we make decisions more quickly, while as adults we tend to think more? Is it because when we are young we listen more to our instincts and are less afraid of making mistakes?

Can mistakes be forgiven when you are young, but not as an adult?

As we get older, we learn that every decision has a weight, and learning from our mistakes can sometimes be painful. Not to mention, if you make a bad decision as a teenager, and your mum tells you to think about it – as an adult, you don’t just have to take your mum’s admonition, you have your loved ones, your children, your friends, your boss, your colleagues and of course your neighbour, whose word really does count.

I remember the first time I decided to become a project manager for a publishing house, a position that at the time (between you and me) was beyond my abilities. My instincts told me that this was my path, yet I thought for weeks before accepting the offer, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to learn everything I should have known yesterday. And now, when I look back, I see that every decision I made – whether fast or slow – shaped my path and made me who I am today. If I hadn’t made the courageous decision then, I’m sure this article wouldn’t be written now. Now here’s the other thing – I have sat on this decision for a long time. It’s a miracle that I lived to see the day when I had the dignity to accept a position that someone else would have killed for at my age. I procrastinated. Whether it was luck or fate that I got it, I don’t know. And if it had been taken from me, I might never have explained that it would have been my mess.

But why are we delaying? Why do we sit on the issue so much before making our decisions? Perhaps even as adults? Let’s say because we already have something to lose. When we’re young, perhaps we decide more quickly because of less responsibility and less experience. But, when we have something to lose, we take longer to consider. What can we lose that we can’t get back later? Time, opportunities and relationships are all valuable, and that’s why we try to make smarter, more considered decisions. Of course, thinking with 4 other people’s heads in sync at the same time, because it’s very healthy.

There is a very memorable episode in The Matrix when the Neo’s meet the Merovingian (and his wife, but Monica Bellucci should not be mentioned, that beautiful woman will have to be the subject of a separate article). Anyway! This is the discourse:

• Merovingi: There is only one sure point in the world, one general rule, one true law: causality. Action and reaction. Cause and effect.
• Morpheus: At the beginning of the chain is a decision.
• Merovingi: No! You’re wrong. The right to choose is merely an illusion between the powerful and the oppressed.

This dialogue suggests that all our actions have a cause and a consequence, what we call causality. According to Merovingi, choices are illusions and in fact every event is a necessary consequence of previous events. This idea “slightly” calls into question the existence of free will and suggests that our decisions are in fact predetermined, based on a chain of circumstances and antecedents.

Although we may feel that our choices are free choices, they can in fact be the natural consequences of events in our lives. Our choices in business and in our personal lives are often influenced by factors outside our direct control. But it’s comforting, isn’t it?! (weaker nerves are already applauding “Great, I’m relieved!”) But seriously…

This makes it even more important how we react to these circumstances and learn from the consequences of our decisions.

The principle of causality can help us understand that all our choices are the result of some reaction, and that our future choices may be similarly influenced by our past.

So before you start to feel anxious, it’s worth looking for the starting point, the reason why you would, for example, move, change jobs… because it may not be the decision that you are hesitating so much about, but the reason that is not being clarified or processed, spoken or acknowledged.

And then the time.

There are situations when you have to make a decision very quickly. It is not a question of making the right or wrong decision, but of making it NOW, because you have to. For example, when you have to jerk the wheel or you will crash. In such cases we act instinctively. Perhaps we make the best decisions when the ground is hot under us. At that moment, we don’t think about what other people are saying … Instinctive decisions are often the best, because that’s when our brain processes all the information the fastest and our true nature, our true will, kicks in. In that moment, we don’t think about what others are saying, we don’t consider every little detail, we simply act. The decisions we make in such situations often reveal our true nature, our inner strength and what we are really capable of and what we consider ourselves capable of. By relying on our instinctive reactions, we have access to a deeper, perhaps hidden wisdom that goes beyond rational thinking and our limitations. Think of how many moments in our lives when a quick decision saved us from a major problem or danger. Whether it was a business situation where we had to choose between two strategies immediately, or a personal crisis where immediate action was required. In those moments, we relied on our instincts to make the best decision, even if it didn’t seem perfect in hindsight. This proves that our decisions are not always the result of long deliberation and careful analysis. Sometimes the most important choices in life are dictated by the heart, not by reason. (Should I take the job? Move from the countryside to the city or vice versa?)

There is also a game that is often used to help people answer questions quickly and instinctively, to reveal their true feelings and intentions. The game is called “Quick Answer”, I think I remember. The idea is that the game master asks simple questions in rapid succession, to which the respondent has to answer immediately without thinking, and usually can, since they are really very simple questions and not very weighty.

For example:

1. What is your favourite colour?
2. What is your favourite food?
3. Where would you most like to travel?
4. What is your favourite book?
5. Do you like living in Inárcs?

Here, let’s say, the game was to move. 😊

So, how can we learn from our decisions? First, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Every wrong decision is a step in the right direction. Secondly, trust your instincts, but don’t forget to weigh up the options. And finally, remember that every decision – whether fast or slow – is part of your journey.

And frankly, you make a decision even if you don’t make a decision. Procrastination and inaction is also a choice, and it has its consequences, because it is when we let events control us, rather than control our lives. Or we can stay as we are. But staying because you chose to (by not choosing to).

The art of choice is nothing less than the art of managing your life. Whether it’s a well-chosen outfit or a strategic move in our career, every choice we make shapes and molds us.

So the most important decision is to decide. Because in the end, it is our choices that define us. Our choices should be in accordance with our will, our goals, our happiness, so that in the end we are among the lucky ones who can say: ‘I have lived my life’.

And if it’s not your choice, you don’t have to worry. To quote a dear friend of mine, “Then life will sort it out for you, but you may not like it”. So it’s worth having a say in your own life, and it’s worth not having a say in other people’s. It’s usually easier the other way round… but it’s worth practising.

Aletta